The Worst Things About Kids’ TV • Wine Mom

The Worst Things About Kids’ TV • Wine Mom

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“Joe sucks. Steve rules.”

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(upbeat string music) – Hi, I'm Hannah, your
friendly neighborhood wine mom and if you're anything like me, you believe that a glass
of wine at eight p.m. makes you a better mom, so pour yourself a glass and let's talk. Tonight, we're gonna
drink some Chardonnay. And it's actually cold, which usually I just put ice cubes in it. Feeling pretty classy right now. So here's why I'm drinking tonight. Bringing it back. I have had the same song stuck in my head for the past three days, and it's not like a normal
song that's on the radio. It's a kids' TV show song,
and I'm not gonna hum it because one, we don't have the rights, and two, I don't wanna
get it stuck in your head. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. So on that note, let's talk about the worst things about kid's TV shows. It's gonna be a 15 minute episode. So first, the reason why I'm drinking. The music in these kids' TV shows. It's so catchy, it's so repetitive. The tune is just so, like, sing song, so I can just be in the same room as my son watching one of these shows and the whole song is stuck in my head for the next three weeks. Like I'll be at work and I'll like inadvertently start
humming or even full on singing these songs and I'll be like: ♫ If you have friends then you share I look up and everybody's
looking at me like what the, what? Like I'll find myself on the
third week of having a song stuck in my head singing myself to sleep, like rocking back and
forth in my bed like: ♫ If you have friends you must share Goodnight, Hannah, sleep tight. So I really wish I had
a solution for this. There's no way around it, to be honest, unless you're willing to
invest in a lifetime supply of earplugs, we're all kinda sunk. Next, Caillou. You all know what I'm talkin' about, but before I get started, just. Now I'm ready. Where do I even start
about this shitty ass kid? First of all, if you
haven't seen it, don't. Don't Google it, don't
YouTube it, trust me. You've been warned, don't do it. Caillou is every parent's worst nightmare. Caillou is like this
weirdly ambiguous child, and I think they said
that they tried to make it to represent every child,
but it's like he's just a bald white kid, so way to
go on representation there. And he talks in this voice that's like: Mom, Rosie touched my painting. Mom, Rosie, she's touching my train. Even when he's happy
his voice is like that. Oh my gosh, Mom, I'm
having the best day ever. (high-pitched squealing) It's this voice that gets under your skin and feels like spiders
crawling under your skin. And then the poor parents
are just like dead inside. You'll see Caillou be like
Mom, Rosie broke my toy. And the parent's just
like Caillou, it's okay. Be nice to your sister. So basically all it does is
teach your kids to be a douche and it teaches the parents
that if your kid is a douche, you're just gonna die inside. So Caillou's mom, I know
you've got a stash of wine in your bedroom and you're
just like chugging that shit the second the kids go to bed. This one's for you. Next, these shows suck you right in. These shows are made for
kids, but I swear they're also inadvertently made for parents to like also get involved in these. Because my son will be watching
it, I'll be folding laundry on the other side of the
room, and he's like watching some show and they're asking
him oh what do I need to see? Glasses? A saw? A chair? Of course I'm gonna be like the glasses! And then my kid's like
Mom, I was guessing! Even after my son has like
fully finished watching and left the room to go play in his room, I'll continue watching them for
like a good 20 more minutes. My husband actually walked
into the house one time and I was sitting on the couch
watching Dora the Explorer sitting there like. The map. And I just want a children's
show that I can ignore. Is that too much to ask? Next, the adventures. The majority of these kids
TV shows involve the main child character going
on some crazy adventure to do something absolutely phenomenal to like save the world. I can't live up to that. It's like my son watches
these shows and he's like Mom, can we go on a pumpkin space ride? And I'm like. And the worst show for
this is Dora the Explorer. Because she is like four and
her parents just let her wander wherever the hell she wants
and she gets to go through the forbidden forest. Oh, that's Harry Potter. She gets to go through the
magic mountain and climb trees and go off. She has like a monkey chaperone. Who trusts a monkey to chaperone a child? But she's just off, off in
the world wandering around from city to city just
picking up friends on the way, talking to strangers as
this weird, creepy fox trying to rob her all the time. It's like if that was my
kid I'd be like you stay the fuck inside. What are you doing going outside? I don't care if this
bluebird lost its mom, it can figure its own shit out. Then my kids watch that and they're like why can't I go wander around
the neighborhood alone? Because the real world is
not like Dora the Explorer. I'm sorry, child. Why aren't there kid shows with adventures in folding the laundry? Or like drying the dishes
or Swiffering the floor? Kids are super impressionable. As long as you present
something in a cool way, they'll wanna do it. So instead of Dora the
Explorer, why isn't there like Chad, the kid who helps
out around the house. That's the kind of show
I'd like my kids to watch. Kevin, you can draw. Let's make a kids' series about cleaning. He's a really great cartoonist. He's gonna do this. Kevin, can you animate it? So last, real life adults. There's something very
unsettling about adults on kids' TV shows, especially
if it's a cartoon show with a real live adult. Because they're adults,
but then on these shows they're pretending to be really interested in like a warm glass of milk with dinner. I'm watching this thinking no, you definitely do some
weird shit on the weekends. But the only exception is
the Wiggles and Blue's Clues, because the Wiggles are
awesome and they're super cute and the yellow one is super cute. And Steve from Blue's Clues is a babe. I don't know why they
replaced him with Joe, this knock-off orange shirt character. It's like orange is the
most unsettling color. Why do you have him wear this orange shirt if you're wanting to get us
to appreciate a new character when we've already fallen
in love with Steve. But they just bring in
Joe like guys, here's Joe, and you have like all this
weird new stuff that you do. You don't just sketch beautiful
pictures in your notebook, you do all this other weird stuff. Like Steve was just trying
to sketch nice pictures in his notebook, find the clues. It was like hide and seek, basically, and it was so awesome, and
then they bring in Joe, this new person, who's just like. Do you see what I'm doing? See what I'm doing? I'm like so into this and
it's not even a show for me. So I guess they're awful,
but they're doing their jobs really, really well. Joe sucks. Steve rules. That's all I got for today. I'm Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom, and if there's a show that I missed that you particularly don't
like, leave it in the comments, because my youngest son
is about the age to start watching TV and I need
to know what to avoid, because I'm sure there's a
new Caillou at this point. And as always, if there's
a topic you'd like me to talk about in the next episode, leave that in the comments, too, because I love talking about
what you guys wanna hear. Till next time. Where's my TV remote?

34 thoughts on “The Worst Things About Kids’ TV • Wine Mom

  1. I watched an episode of caillou where he feel and scraped his knee and I was triggered by the blood and never saw another episode. I don’t know why because I wasn’t afraid of blood…

  2. They replaced Steve with Joe because Steve went to college.

    And by "went to college" I mean that he started going bald and he didn't want to lose his hair on national TV- especially on a show that young children watched.

    [And Mr. Rogers is still the best Children's TV host of all time.]

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