This is my experience with postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter, Isabelle.
Here’s the written version:
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t too fussed on doing this, but felt that it would be better if I did. I could’ve tried making this video a bunch of times to get it better, but felt doing it in one go (with the odd pause) would be best.
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well yeah since its poor tonight on depression Awareness Week I thought I would do a little bit of a tough blog and do my experiences with postnatal depression I've already done it written out it was a very first blog post I ever did and you could probably read downline if you don't watch this was probably easier to watch this you know it's just me talking I'm gonna read you're doing it just sit back relax I'm doing all the talking you can just enjoy that's the way griddy is but yeah a little bit of background before we start I really wanted a baby we've had the name Isabel picked out since the 23rd of March 2008 me and Rachel got together on the 22nd of March 2008 so the very next day we were discussing names so yeah we were into each other and even from 2009 in my diary we've got letters written to future Isabel from 2011 we started buying clothes so when we've got six years passes buying clothes so pretty straight we wanted Isabel a lot and also for a bit of background I'd that depression on and off since I was 18 so I spoke 2009 so I've been here before you know I got it but I didn't really have it that's all during the pregnancy I always pinned my depression down on the fact they really wanted a baby so I always just assumed they would call when we add it when I thrown over it was pregnant for the entire pregnancy virtually had no birthdays obviously you still burn up the odd one yeah but I thought when we'd have the baby violin it's gonna be gone I read all the books we went the parenting classes I've been listening to audio books on babies and stuff because of my job four years chuck it in you know bringing rules for babies loved it but I still didn't know a lot about posting on the pressure he does mention it in the book in fairness but he says if the woman guess it but man is there like 50% likely together that's all I know so it may add sort rates low I'll be alright so I thought I was prepared as I could be but I wasn't prepared for this make sense so why come on here and do a blog about it no one talks about or not many people I think he's getting a little bit more you know I've seen a few things in like Daily Mail and wherever other ones you want to read not the necessary Daily Mail but they've covered in a little but right Forks and someone that you read a lot of the books this is the way you know I try to absorb as much information I could and I died the year about it so for if I didn't there's a lot of people don't do dot and I think where people have it I don't we talk about it it's not exactly a cool thing to when someone says oh you baby don't my good kid well she's cute no she don't either you'd I am its know exactly plate conversation you think about it I wish you weren't born but you know that's how you feel so yeah that's kinda why I'm you together and I think because I back to the normal depression not as much thing but so I mean far enough removed from it but I feel like I can talk about it because it's kind of like I was a different version me yeah I mean it's not I'm still in it but yeah um I read from the start it was pretty Ardwick think of birth and we were rushed down to theater I have to press the emergency buzzer didn't know where he was I press the button oh yeah what button this don't know what the emergency what to get all the midwife's running in there for you know cord coming down first I was fine kushti wrong just pull the cord over when you come to the baby no good thena time they treat me I'm getting the midwives and everything already in a state of panic right thinking the worst obviously sat in theater thinking I top along I wanted to get out really didn't want to be there oh I see the worst things go for you you think babies obviously not gonna be born properly talked up putting a day rich or a day you know everyone's gonna die that sort of mentality the usual stuff and to be honest I kind of out there feeling like few weeks before she was born I came about him and it was never gonna happen I just said really I can't imagine us having the baby now I can't see her coming in the nagas rabbit know should have been a bit of an indication that they were struggling and poor snow depression made out but no and then after when we go home it's odd you know you can't get around the fact aside where we've she was born like eight o'clock in the morning Ritter went leave at midnight and we went on 10 p.m. so nor sleep you got an omelet straight into the night then way you don't know what the hell is going on so sleep-deprived everything I just cracked on that's all you could do like my focus was make sure Rachel's okay I take the baby take a downstairs trying that read good couple of hours sleep not realizing that is about probably needed feeding so I had this little baby screaming up my face going with my milk and I'm a boy no no no written he's asleep we've been better off just wake her up but here we go you learned some lessons and then we started having the visitors which at the time I didn't mind you know you think they probably signal give it a couple of days because you know they are here for a while and it's usually when the baby's asleep which is time you've got the bond with the baby as well when she's in a nice calm state not the crazy stuff so I think I mean a misspent on a bit of a bomb there and knowing that I was odd when I saw people come in and they were all lovey-dovey with a be like and I kept looking at her go in Christ I don't even feel that she's mind so that came to me worse because I've seen everyone else managed to do it Mike still couldn't I still felt nothing meaning I can't wait you're fret I had in my head you know baby comes out toward your finger but she did do and you get this big flood of emotions and you're like oh my god I'm a dad no it took me about four months until I felt like a dad so you don't get to start off with so after then I started to just get worse I started to resent the heat dinner with what you do in my life every what I said a resource like to trade there in or if someone come along to I would take the baby off oh no problem I said look if we have a split up then it was a custody battle they've been about I'd say you've take that I don't wanna absolutely Manos law I tried I really tried every morning I get up take her in a room play within learning math and massage really just trying absorb myself in it I changing nappies dresser we take her for walks anything else I can think of I really try to do everything I thought that's the best way I've been here before I've had depression I know I know as soon as it come on and I realize there's like I've been here before I know and unless I'm in my comfort zone me you're feeling depressed this what it looks it just there's an 18 it's seven years or so used to it so I think for a lot of people when they get it it's an odd feeling to deal with you've never had depression for all of a sudden you chucked into that so for me like I said it's just in my comfort zone I knew if I could find ways to get out of it and I will eventually do a vlog on ways to help report smell depression but this is eight minutes as it is now and I probably still got a bit more to talk about I don't wanna tell you like a 20 minute video so yeah back to this um and after a while I start feel guilty cuz I think you do and then I've gone out anytime you were guilty they just put you in the cycle and solid I also remember thinking that about Rachel's dad who left her when she was two and at one point I was thinking I was waiting basically for someone on that side of the family to mention someone on Facebook say something about Rachel having a baby just like a comment on there going yeah I'm actually gonna be a dad just to have a dick but then after a while I felt like if anyone said anything I wouldn't want to say it because I felt like there was no better you know I wanted to leave points not not necessary because I hate it but I thought Britain would be better I felt like she deserved more and why we providing was our talking to Rachel above it but I still did it's gonna be hard for Rachel know if I turn around and say hey it's our baby that I've been waiting for for eight years I hate don't want to regret it ruin my life yeah that's our freighter take that but she still tried and when she tried to get me involved with stuff which is hard cuz you can't push someone into it day when she sometimes felt like when she's telling me I can change to not be sighs I felt awful burden on you know always Valley she's a burden ami can't do in here not they did a lot anyway and then we think if she should knock you out for a sec I go I'm good toilet gravel we I just sit there trying to psych myself up we were set at five minutes ago else come on be right now I did that sort of stuff a lot mm-hmm I didn't like it I think I put too much pressure on myself that the pressure would be gone when she's born and then when he didn't you sort of left without I don't know sorry in advance they have pause this a couple of times to try and like not edit it my editing goes as far as pressing pause and a quick look for I don't want to say and then getting record again I will get back at the video edit and stuff but you know I think I'll baby look after yeah um he's kind of few limbs lasted until she was about 12 weeks old I mean I did go on the sick of all this I have to I had six weeks with Isabel try and absorb myself in it I only did it lasted I remember when we went away to Bournemouth because he was our first anniversary wedding anniversary and obviously I loved it I know the out of this we think is themed so paper was the thief it's obviously bore a lot of stuff to do a paper or a letter on paper and in the letter I was talking about oh sorry I was would be a bad dad bad husband and you're better off without me treat myself in for they kind of throws and poem they do it no idea was actually gonna pay for that but you never know and when she was reading it and I obviously was reading it with or after she read it I was kind of thinking I don't really relate to a lot and that's when I started to know I'm getting better because that's a little bit of a different version of me and then I just couldn't go back for me taking her away really up you fully absorbed in your no distractions the first time he ever took her away to Western she's about nine weeks old she smiles for the first time they proper smiled at me and I felt Brit and then you start getting a little bit more back all the time for them and then when we went to Bournemouth I don't know I just loved being away with her things started click a little bit more the effort I was pretty nearly started a payoff I think a lot of people go a problem when they get the portal depression they came to run soon oh I ate the baby and then they just kind of don't want to get involved then I'd say understand I didn't really want to get involved by knew I Hattie like I said been here before I know I can push through it it's the same with depression in general it's not gonna last you could have it for a day and then the next thing bit better you've just got have loads of different ways to case I've out of it well like I said I will do that as a separate video so you know you can subscribe to this after show a bit of support like it yeah whatever you want to do you close the window everyone wait I won't this is like he says it always stops for me and I get out there when I first did the blog post about it I broke that up a good month or two ago maybe less and I thought that straight away just get out there just right right you let me tell someone soon anyway I think everyone's scared about telling someone their baby like I said it's not a good thing to tell someone but then you relied on the other person not to judge it but I said rich as I used to the depression but she understood didn't like it granted but she understood so now since then mostly good until I make me folks ain't good let's still have the odd date but I thought I don't know normal depression rather than force natal depression it's just very hard queue for someone else when you've got the depression good luck to you and I normally go I haven't really got much responsabilities maybe for work look after the dogs look after the rabbit so it is odd now when I have a depressive day and I got a kid for Isabelle well I ain't no waiting in a last and that's my main advice to anyone it might not last well it could last months I know people about it a lot longer than me I'm lucky all right my adocus they said for 12 weeks it could have been a lot worse but like I said I I've done it before within a week Gabe booked an appointment the doctor so I knew I could feel it coming on and went on the meds they lasted like 2 or 3 weeks talk myself off them no you're not supposed to but I've done it before I don't really like having the meds all the time and I know people give the thing of if you're diabetic you wouldn't say north to the insulin or I could do it myself is it yeah but this is a little bit different I like the little thing of a Vanessa trial palm or search lean my dear Excel when he got burned once and having it for a little while to give you that placebo effect of all I'm taking someone and then I take myself offering me and think right I can tackle this myself I think you just need my lips on things to then be able to get yourself oh maybe they need to pressure if you don't want to get out you know getting up and I wanted to get out normally was depression in the past they kind of liked it in a weird way which comfortable you are comforted by the crashing something's it is that little friend who you know who shouldn't bother with like you've known him for so long that's what depression is luckily can be portal depression I didn't like it didn't like it my daughter didn't like coming home and then I'm gonna scream in my face and to be are we were really lucky with his about and I'm kind of going off the rails on us but no you're 15 minutes in you're 15 minutes and you got mine a few more minutes but she's a really easy baby at the more I probably slept through the night I am NOT a gap in the night now for about two months and she's fallen off mental admit me adapt to Rachel still breastfeed sorry I'm wierd Moon Lake feet and she just had the next to me caught banging on done so that out she never had colic she had too much of a crazy baby and normally when she does is because I saw I don't wanna I made it worse I had no reason to either she's brilliant baby still is if you screaming in my face 24/7 at least they could pin it on someone I have nothing to pin it up so I guess that makes it worse and you just get a psycho and of guilt and everything else I think that's all I've got to say in it I don't actually know if I've done anything worthwhile yeah whether this was actually worth watching videos I think yeah if you want to know what waged about proposed me at the pressure called a is a blog and the Facebook and everything else and eventually I'll post another video for it I think I've got a few ways out they work for me you know if you think move for someone else they might you gonna play the normal the bedroom so even if you run normal the brush I feel people subscribe so you support man you know comment and stuff whatever I don't make Matthew if you just want to leave anyway think that's enough we done yeah drink press stop you