Anything But Clothes: Part I
Chris Reinacher – @chrisreinacher, facebook.com/buzzfeedchris
Brittany Ashley – @britt27ash, facebook.com/brittanyashleycomedy
Chandler Jacob Haynes
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– Brittany! Cheddar's birthday only
happens once a year. We're going to be late. Why aren't you ready at all? What the hell were you doing in there? – Masturbating. Why? – You can't just say that. – It's not like I said I
was murdering somebody. – I'm right in the next room. – There's a structure between us. Everyone masturbates. You masturbate, I masturbate,
Obama masturbates. – Yeah, but at least I lie about it. I'm taking a shower. I'm on the phone with my mom. I'm making a life-sized
statue of you out of Q-tips and I don't want you to see. – Aw, okay. – What have I done? – Why do you have to lie about it? I'm washing the pearl. I'm dialing the rotary phone. I'm finger painting. – She likes to do arts
and crafts sometimes. Let's go around back. That's what all those things mean? – Yeah. – Don't you need like an
ambiance or something? – Do you need an ambiance or something? – No, I'm a guy. I guess I just always
figured that when women touched themselves, it was more romantic, like rose petals, lens flare, like a love-making session for one. – More like in pitch black
while I'm listening to music and checking my Twitter. – That's what I'm talking about. Guys would not listen to music. – What else would I listen to? The sound of my own instability? No thank you. Let me guess, you listen to porn? – No, like I said, Britney, I don't leave a trace. I lower my volume as low as I can and I'm still paranoid
that people can hear the grunts and moans and… Ever since I was eight
years old, I've been told, "Masturbation is wrong because
it's desire of the flesh." – I forgot you were raised Catholic. – Yeah, so how do you expect me not to attach paranoia with jerking off? – Is that what you're wearing? – Is that what you're wearing? It's an anything but clothes party. – Oh yeah. – Is that the sheet you
just masturbated on? – No, no, no. I was actually masturbating
on a bed of roses but I figured that would be way too hard to turn into a dress. – How are you so open about this? – Unlike you, I was sexually
awakened at a very young age. I discovered inanimate objects, or should I say they discovered me. Eighth grade was a cool year. – This is weird. I've never had a conversation about this. Can we do this? – I don't know. Sometimes, I do it for 20 minutes, sometimes it's over in like 30 seconds. – I'm a consistent eight minutes. Transcontinental flight when I was 14. – What about like on a subway? – No. – What about like at a Subway? The sandwich shop. – Do you just like picture
a certain group of people? Have you ever pictured me? – No. – [Both] Three? Yeah. – Oh, we made it. – What's this guy's name again? – Cheddar. – Aw, it's the name of my first vibrator. It was orange.