Greg Davies Live 2013- The Back Of My Mums Head Comedy Show

Greg Davies Live 2013- The Back Of My Mums Head Comedy Show

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Stand up Movie Greg Davies Live 2013- The Back Of My Mums Head

I was delighted to come out himself of this evening and see such an amazing sea of middle-aged losers if one time you are so fucking welcome of my gauge 440 here give me cheer he got the energy to live a little arms and who is under the age of 25 this is my record Oh ruinous for me with your nice skin and just hope this will all be you [Applause] this thing she wants me I didn't live at the Apollo the show live at the Apollo recently right which is something you should look forward to when you do what I do and I was all excited backstage the producer came up to me about two minutes before went onstage Jenny when you got any other shirts I was wearing pretty much this right I said why is this shirt normal Robbie's he uses a bad diet isn't I say it's all right there and there I mean it works all right and then he said this to me I barely know this man get your heads around this sentence he went not really great you sort of looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw and yet as you've seen he's fucking right it's awful so and you haven't seen this take me to a hotel down the roads right now in my flat I've smashed all the mirrors in the flats so I don't have to look at it but in my hotel there is a full-length mirror outside the shower right so tonight I had a shower for you earlier you're welcome I came out and I saw my full nakedness for the first time in months about an hour and a half ago and this is what I did so Juna do you know what your body looks like these days your body looks Greg like it's been carved by a four-year-old child edge of a block of budget arm just just a rough approximation of a male body Oh thinking jellify is fucking revolting I like you instinctively so I will tell you this and if any of you are sitting there with body images and you're worried about how you look this will make you feel better about yourself in a heartbeat right because this is true I was in my flat about three weeks ago right I went to the toilets appreciate sorry but that's what was out there right I went for the toilet if you're feeling bad prepare to feel better about your way you look is this happened I put my trousers and pants though and I start having a poo and the fucking toilet came off the wall I was made shit my walk of shame with my pants by my ankles find the guest toilet finish up there not even Elvis broke his toilet and he died on the toilet so bleep so sorry then yeah you know I come on I say always self-deprecating stuff I'm an amazing lover the end of that section good let me qualify why me I'm not an amazing lover of course I'm not look at me but I have been shagging for a lot longer than a lot of the people in this audience right now we're all of those shacks amazing of course they weren't they were generally dreadful right but over the years every now and again when I was with whatever poor unfortunate girl I was with right I might have done one of my moves on her and it was like a flicker of what could be construed as happiness across her face it might been wind it might have been wind but it's sort of like a half-smile came across her face when I was doing it moving I thought I'm fucking I don't know what move I was doing by the way off the top of my head probably one of and I saw a silver yeah oh well she liked that every time that happened over 25 years I've logged it so I've got like a bank of moves of work that's all I'm saying over a long period I'm not an amazing lover what I'm saying is if I used all of those moves on one of you I don't know I'm homing in on you particularly this man and you use all of my moves at once he comes fucking crazy right any of you if you all go crazy if I use them all at once I know that for a fact here's the awful cold irony ready I'm 44 night now I've caught all the knowledge I can't be bothered I've got all this power and it's going through waste right the only way my sexual power will ever be use these days is if I can see it's not like a nice young couple in the audience is if one of you lovely young couples may break in fact me but yours later all right and I'll talk you both through it like an awful sexual puppeteer do this and then you know what what's amazing it doesn't matter how it doesn't matter how much I go to seed and the same would be true of some of the awful other middle-aged men I say it doesn't it doesn't matter how fast we get because the male brain has a fault it has a fault in it that stops you from realizing quite hand disgusting you are it's amazing but women cover themselves that would make up we just pretend were alright it happened in Manchester today I was in Manchester and I walked past a girl today she was probably 23 and she was blonde and beautiful and I know what this looks like and I know how old I am and yet I walk past her and my brain went well who knows bragging maybe she likes her and it never stops we never give in I've got one granddad left right he's 96 years of age he lives in a home and he is to use his words physically fuck his words right I went to see him racing it he was sitting on a little chair with his little blanket and I went all my granddad's how you yes I'm awful how do you think I am kill me someone kill me I'm paraphrasing this is what my granddad did well hello there as this suet any parts of that girl's brain who was thinking you know I fancy this morning I fancy getting banged by a man who gets out of breath eating soup it's liberating me and three loser friends went to the Glastonbury Festival right to try and recapture our youth for the kids now before there was me my mate Brian looking for low key and my mate gasps tala blood before we even met I've known them since I was at school were there in their forces as well losers before we met we each of us made a decision without discussing it that is fucking heartbreaking right we all decided we would wear something who would make us look a bit more dang with the kids I wore a coral necklace I don't know what I bought it on holiday in Greece when I was fifteen right I have bronzes I was fifteen I put it on it looked like someone was trying to strangle a fucking pig with a shoelace come on mate Brian turned up he got a level further than me people a new leather jacket especially for the festival which is tragic isn't it but he hadn't tried it on in the shop so he walked in yet no fucking hands he was a harmless dwarf handless is that their mom a gavel Rives he's decided to wear a snow wash denim jacket I'm not finished he had combined that with some snow wash denim jeans this is what's known in the trade you'll know as the Weatherspoon's failure outfit and I should throw in something and this is just for fun and really gaffes got an incredibly thin head if it's fit to understand how it is imagine postman Pat's head so he walked it in actually it looked like someone had dropped a fucking cheese string into a sleeping bag you have never seen three bigger losers walk into the Glastonbury Festival that's right bitches were here [Applause] it was heartbreaking we thought we were awesome we went down and looked at the bands didn't recognize any of them but it was nice to see the night and then we were thinking we were pretty cool and we were getting away with this a child approached us child as a child it was probably 27 he came up and he offered us what I think you young people might refer to as marijuana that's the street I'm not very good with drugs they might be going to sleep right lose face in front of this little fucker right so I said yeah okay man yeah I love a toke on you doobie and I did say that I took his Jew until friend and a master track fucked instantly fucked my white shag to my tongue Mossad pastor Danny O'Brien II struggle to fucking to Oldham it's Vilnius – this finger either slave in the end it makes him angry hey pass it up to gaff East truckers get Drac I have this cool little thing had blessing he went bright red he went from cheese strings of strawberry shoelace in one track we were all ruins and walking through custom again oh my god this is awesome Brian calm down I'm not making this up Brian physically disappeared honestly he when I went oh the cheese string was going apeshit over here Bryan Hutton disappeared ladies and gentlemen Bryan had fallen into a swamp no really falling into a swamp it was a swamp only big enough for one man the statistical chances of him finding that swamp were a million to one and he was up to his little fucking neck in it in fact I'll show you what was left of him then a 16 year old would shit themselves in this situation standing up to their neck in a swamp they go fucking they free catch not the middle-aged man we've got nothing to live for right this is Brian's reaction in total to being in a one-man swamp stoned out of his mind's ready here it comes well apparently that's I'm in a swamp give a shit we're just happy for the stimulation you can kick me in the balls and I thank you for right sulfur that stop messing around once a teacher always a teacher here are my learning objectives for tonight what true learning objectives you're not irritate your aren't you all teachers are all people in sulfus all teachers are angry no well you should have make better life decisions I am of course joking I salute my former I used to teach myself I know your pain I salute you you will understand now and I should say this at this point as an ex teacher of some years experience I do struggle a little if you shout while I'm talking feel free to work through your favorite things if you like in a minute not yet I've done in a minute I'll be I'll be doing some top-notch audience interaction beloved you in a soundscape whoo what's that crack we haven't heard that we're too old don't worry I'll talk you through it's amazing I'll be discredited children live on stage thank you can we saw the little asshole dance at last I'm sick of quotations from Shakespeare and the like I should be doing some new classic qualities for you to use in life okay I'll be having some fun with a racist later imagine that now that's a racist I've already met of course but we're in Salford I'll smoke a few more out I'm sure live roleplay starting two of you imagine ah and then just when you think you're gonna burst with fun there's gonna be a moving song with a pretty bloody powerful message and then I think you're all find a better world that's a lot to get through on the agenda hello what's your name hi Lisa how are you thank you so the show name just caught the back of my mum's head why is that great I'll tell you that incidentally is the actual back of my mum's head and she's fucking furious he's been on posters all over the country and it was literally day before her hairdressing appointment the show is based on a catchphrase really it's based on a phrase that my mum said to me all the way through childhood when I'd done something to piss her off just before she left the room and I saw the back of her head sailing away right I'll show you the phrase before I go any further I heard it for a good 20 years this is it it's not normal love now an English teacher who was in the audience a few nights ago did point out they're technically that should have a comma in it so it doesn't sound like dirt and sex I never was a good teacher it's not normal she would say when I did something that made her question the way she brought me up I'll give you an example I want your cock and balls when the Russians my mum's car fair enough man right now I would have got away with this if I hadn't overheard my mum say something and I had to intervene and let's give you an early indication of what my mum's like I overheard a go Bob to my dad Bob I think someone's got a vendetta against the funding what you mean she says well someone appears to have drawn a weird gang symbol on the roof sorry it's not a cat's implicit cock and balls I drew it what'd you do these things I once dressed our family dog Rex up in a pair of my dad's massive white Underpants Rex reacted in the only way that a dog can react to that situation which led to the greatest sentence I've ever heard particularly from my mother it's a awesome here it is in full I have heard it's not normal love for years this year and this is the reason from this whole show I've heard it twice the first time it didn't really register it was only this year my mum decided that she would address my weight she addressed my weight is only a mother would dare address a child weight this is her opening sentence ready Oh Greg you are disgustingly fast I said I've got a bit of a ballet shoes you've got a bit of belly you look seven and a half months of pregnancy it's not normal life no it didn't really register there's something obviously went wrong because I decided to do something about it I decided I would go to Argos and I would buy some weights so I did they were twenty nine pound 99 they're a little black case and I lifted them in their little black case the barbells from Argos counter when I took them the two minute walk to the boot of my car this was in January of this year guess where they are now they caught me but two great things came out of that two minute journey my body and my mouth at a point during the journey both made noises that I hadn't planned for them to make so I lifted up the weights from the counter and my niece sounded like a bowl of rice krispies right it was so I was already giggling halfway across the journey then in the second minute of the journey my mouth started making a noise I've never heard before or since but I can show you what it was this was it we got worse I was pissing myself laughing oh sorry I love for about half an hour then I realized that that was my fifth favorite involuntary noise of all time obviously I've compiled all five of them for your entertainment tonight this is your first bit of interruption I want you to sing the old-fashioned chart music in between my favorite mantra noises and I'll warn you now this is one of two sing alongs in the show if you don't join in I've locked the doors you're here all night so just come in hard we're gonna do the old-fashioned chart music right we'll start with my fifth favorite vote who knows what you've heard as a test and then I move through the others are you ready coming in at number five I'm fucking serious I will keep you prisoner five times the exam these this is an important chart my five favorite involving three noses of little time coming in number four I won't slap my friend Matthew Delaney across the face with a family pack of pita breads if you've never done it I can't recommend it highly enough it makes it incredibly satisfying thought he was furious he would have been he was driving at the time I like about the involuntary noises you'd expect him to be really angry with me what came out of his mouth was surprisingly camp I'll try and do it justice for you tonight so simple I go to a little village in Spain quite a lot is in Andalusia it's beautiful and I go there cuz it's quiet and simple life and I went there last summer and the locals ladies and gentlemen they eat very simple diet they largely eat just meat and cheese that's about it really as far as I can work out so last summer I decided that I would join the locals for the first two days of my holiday I ate only meat and cheese Wow let me tell you the effect was fucking awesome I don't want to overstate this but it's important you know how serious this situation was so try and get your head around this sentence on that particular day on day three of my holiday ladies and gentlemen on that particular day I was farting more often than I had not been farting do you understand how serious that is the farts of silence ratio have been completely reversed it was a I was continually mop gas coming out of my ass well I don't mind telling you I can't remember being happier then my friends told me that we were going down to the village to a Catholic religious festival at night so I thought shit I'm gonna have to court this bad boy it's a pretty full-on festival they have like a 25-foot papier-mache Jesus gets led through the town and I thought I can't be guttering in front of massive Jesus of course I can't talk about on the inn so we walked into town and I held it in I knew within a minute I was in serious trouble I knew that I was brewing a legendary fart the fart ologist and the audience should have heard of this it's often spoken about people think it's a myth but it is true so that's a jury single puff single clap that some of you heard of it clearly it's so called of course those viewer experts will know so cool because there's such an amazing buildup of gas then when you release it the buttocks don't have chance to react in this traditional way there's no B when it comes up this one puff of gas followed by one cup of the buttocks and we racked so obvious that was very excited how many single puff single clap CC in a lifetime one possibly two maximum so I was excited but I knew I couldn't just let it go I had to wait for mass of Jesus to come back then of course I had to wait for a clearing in the crowd you can't say a single puff single clap bags you could break it on with one of these then I saw a gap and I thought great I'm gonna let this bad boy go now I started to release the gate right I was excited something incredible happened and might I just tell you this is absolutely true the second I released the single puff single clap fart the biggest part of everything in my entire life the legend that is the single pop single clap a Spanish man who I hadn't seen made his way behind me and just for a split second he placed his hand against my ass the resulting soundscape and involuntary noise was remarkable I'll try to adjust this for you it's very difficult [Laughter] coming in at number two my friend down is the biggest loser I've ever met in my life he's a lovely man and I love him dearly but he lives in Singapore which i think is a terrible place he has an awful job and she hates his life's miserable there but the main reason that he's so miserable in his life is so awful it's because he married the most horrible human being I've ever met in my life awful woman and a lot of people won't say this I will I hope she dies I don't I don't wish death upon anyone of course I don't but if she does die fine so I'd see him on my way to Australia last year and he told me the saddest story you'll ever hear he told me he didn't get many kicks these days so he was up in his bedroom one day and he spied that his neighbor a relatively attractive middle-aged lady who was sunbathing topless in the garden so he thought I will watch her from my bedroom window and I will enjoy myself in a special boy's way then he realized she might be able to see him enjoying himself so he pulled down the roller-blind on his bedroom window and then he realized he couldn't get through himself to have a nice time so he did one of the most heartbreaking things you'll ever hear he went down into his own kitchen he got a shark knife while his wife was in the front room and he chopped a hole in his own fucking roller-blind and he opened up a wine cold have you heard anything sadder in your life I said to in day from not that is real good day so Darwin he pulled the choses in his pants down and he got ready to enjoy himself you can guess the rest of the story she came up with him know what I love about the noise he made and obviously I wasn't there he told me about this well I love about the noise that came out his mouth you would think he would scream the neighborhood down what came out of his mouth was the noise of a small animal here it comes number one my mother came to stay with me a few years ago when I lived through the big Georgie lab called Chris I shared a flat with him and my mum decided this in the middle of the night she would go for an old lady way then she went back to what she perceived was her bedroom it wasn't her bad so it was Christmas bathroom he didn't even know she was staying so he woke up with an old lady in a nightie at the bottom of the bat he went oh she went run back to her room right now Chris told me about this over breakfast you have to know my mother is wonderful is that they put is the most easily embarrassed human being I've ever met so when Chris told me about this I knew she would be horrified and I was laughing my head off before she even got downstairs then she came into the kitchen and she was bleach food Fred but sure no Chris straight him I'm so sorry I am so embarrassed about last night I'm so embarrassed about last night mrs. Davis is fine anyone could have made that mistake Toby says silly I went straight back to sleep it's fine thank you thank you so much then she said this oh yeah I bet you thought I was going to sit on your face 20 minutes later I explained the modern-day meaning of expression to sit on someone's face to my mother she made this noise a lot of people would leave those involuntary noises where they are little section finished are not a lot of people I go the extra yard for you people I've created a beautiful soundscape that I promised you earlier this took me two days of my life to prepare it honestly the audience is so far on my tour have not been as grateful as I would like them to be but I'm in Salford now a place of culture and I'm sure I I'm sure I get a better response for the hard work that I put into it so sit back relax come enjoy a lovely soundscape of my poetry now I just thank you so much that's yours you can keep that what was that you enjoyed it madam we thought it was brilliant beautiful like something a little more jazzy what was that sir he thought it was amazing that you would have preferred something a little more Bhangra based on a review of this section of my show from a reviewer I really admire and you know he was nice about the whole show but here this is what he said at this point in his show Davis plays and a series of same escapes he created at home largely for his own amusement I hope to tell you that was the first review I've had for that though so it isn't it's the second review I've had I've written down the first one because it was from my mum and I wanted to get it right so I've written it down here I play to those sounds after two days of work saying this is one of the things we're doing my show and this is what she said what's wrong with you Greg you're a grown man you've always wasted your time on rubbish like this why not buy a house or try and get a girl pregnant it's not normal love and it really London did that it's not normal ISIL oh my god am I not normal so then I started to obsess about what is normal you normally you know one of these people normal and I was walking past people in the street anything normal so I thought hang on let's get scientific about this so I started watching behavior of people I started logically with very young people I started watching very young people and I started with my niece my niece is I went on holiday with my niece not just her silly two little Daisy a mess if my sister is there in the family that's what I'm gonna start watching hurts you know normal she is who's got kids here give me cheer are they normal no that fucking mental there are mental and they're getting away with it I watched that girl for two weeks and I love Daisy she's awesome but she talks when she wants that's not normal and she talked about what she wants and she only wants to talk about one thing and that is what she's wearing on her feet that is all she's got so for two weeks every day this was anymore uncle quick do you think I'll be able to get some new flips how about you shut the fuck I love you not with your fucking face kids are getting away with murder and it made me think about my own childhood like I remember being in a science lesson with a lot called David Hughes I was doing my work huge that's my anyway or dangerous give me a number between 1 and 20 and I went 13 you were the only truth I carried on working I turned that five minutes later Hughes was doing this what the fuck's wrong with you he found a jar of yeast tablets in a drawer and he's a 1013 who does that he had to go to hospital and nothing adult blinked an eye yes a child is even seeing these tablets of course he fucking us it's insane let me ask you this who's got a younger brother or sister here give me a chair right now first people who cheered give me another chair if when you were kids you made that person's life a misery it's not my sister's 4 years younger than me the things I did to that girl would sit perfectly comfortable in Guantanamo Bay they're all full I invented gay I invented a game when she was 6 years of age called swing ball sting ball right in the garden and I guess ring ball and I just march into her face those are the rules and they saw it sort of all came to a head on a family holiday that we went on and this family holiday is a great example of what's normal in the adult world and what's normal in the kid world cuz my dad hired this van to take us across America like an eighteen style van to drive well and we were there for weeks it was you know really exciting now at the time I was 16 so I didn't appreciate it at all I was a total prick and my sister was 12 like a little fat ball of puberty there's a mustache hating everyone so I spent my whole the whole six weeks I spent just torturing her just being awful to her to see if I could get her to pop so I invented new games-time fancy games like let's shake my sister's weight out of the van window and I I bought a machine gun right like a plastic toy machine gun that was actually a water pistol it look just like an ak-47 no and I would top it up first thing in the morning and I would just squirt her in the face mum and dad's finder that's what kids do now before I go any further I want to remove my dad from any discussion on what's normal behavior because if you've ever seen me before you'll know that man is fucking bonkers right deliberately bonkers and if you don't know my dad I'll just tell him very quickly as an example when I was 12 I plucked up courage to go and see my dad because I thought my testicles were moving on their own right I thought something's living in my nuts I know I know that's ridiculous and you do but I think most dads in this room would think oh you know I try and make my poor son feel a bit better about that worry my dad did two things he laughed in my face straight away and then for five years he called me alien bollocks I'm gonna tell you something else about him at stake before I tell you about this holiday the holiday / before that the year before we went across France your honor on a train on one of those we can put the car on the train and we have that little I can do it with this in a little carriage where with sliding doors where me my sister here mom and dad who's really exciting you know and in the middle of the night my dad he won't be up early when a commands the car towards the Train I'm gonna have a cigarette and we cannot bear male bonding now I know that's true about portifino Harry when they open the carriage things to see if it's on the day and I went oh we were just in our Underpants next door see if it's empty we'll go and see in that because oh god alright I'll go no I stayed here so what I saw was him so I open the door like this fuck you fuck your wife oh sorry he's been to check it was empty before he woke me up right us our daily let's forget about him the rest of us were driving across America in the 18th an my mum tells us that they're going to break the back of a big journey one night they're gonna drive across New York State taking it in turns drinking coffee well me and my sister sit in the back right so I went fine we fell asleep they drove throughout the night it was 3:00 in the morning my mom woke just me up she went oh and she was white as a sheet and I went my god she said you dad's got lost in the forest when okay well I'm sure I'll find this my ass is a forest she said that's not the problem love I said what's the problem she said we show a big fire I look behind behind us there was a beaten-up American yellow pickup truck with blacked-out windows and one headlight working people following us we were in a forest it was fucking being followed by a baton a pickup truck in America when does this happen outside of scooby-doo I shot myself and I think it's pretty normal I look to the adults to tell me what the plan was I said what we're gonna do so don't you worry you've come up with a plan who you worry and I read what's the plan she said well if that's gonna find somewhere to pull off the road yeah and if they come with us we'll know they're following us your dad is going to reason with them because that's what serial killers love isn't it ladies and gentlemen I put a fucking reason so then we found the place that we were pulling off the road you won't believe this it's true it was a disused service station because apparently Stephen King was right in this story now there was no and we're frozen the solution to this problem came from somewhere none of us were expecting because our funds door suddenly slid open and my 12 year old sister hung out with a plastic machine gun in her hand and I promise you sadly come on then you can't I have never seen my mum react quicker she was like a perfumer she grabbed him on the hair and pulled her in screamed for 20 minutes when we look back they hadn't followed us that obviously thought well we were gonna kill them but they've got a tooled up child in that fact only a child would have got aside that situation because only children speak their minds only people in my opinion under the age of 16 say what the fuck they want we stop saying the first thing that comes into our heads and I think we stop at about 17 and I've got a theory as to why I think when you hit 17 you either making a tit of yourself or you see someone else make it a tit for themselves for me it was the latter I was a university that called Nick who had only met for the first week of University we were all excited to be there getting to know each other tests in the water we had a game of truth or dare in the college bar a nick or bit overexcited all right truth what's your truth you know you know when you're about 12 and you've never felt the girls tits before and you really want to know what girl students feel like well I went into a front room at home and my nan was asleep I didn't fucking ruin this life Nicky man state she was called three years every time he came in sure what we do tonight laughs we're going around your nuns laughs you fucking pervert and every person in that room went oh my god you can't say what you want anymore you've got a sink before you speak now and I think what happens is everybody who sees something like that puts the filter in between brain and mouth like the adults elsewhere I call it we go Christ I'm not going to just say anything I'm gonna think before I speak does that mean we become normal I put it to you there is not one normal human being in this room and I mean it and I'm gonna prove some things you know who's with your partner give me a little wave right I want you to look at your partner mouths so the whole duration of this next sentence look at them in the face in the eyes look at them and now listen to this while I say this keep looking the person you are now looking at I promise you no matter how long you've been with them on a daily basis will think something that if you heard it you would fuck him leave them and they'll deny it that I don't know what she's talking about darling nobody's talking about it's absolutely true we're all absolutely fuckin insane and we're clinging on to sanity by our fingertips right and I think it's a shame because a lot of fun goes with that so I want to stop it I want to free everyone up and I'll start the ball rolling tonight right I'll tell you this I went to my friend's wedding recently I love my friend he's a dear friend of mine but I spent the whole ceremony fantasizing about head-butting his wedding cake I don't know why but I swear to God I almost did it I was this close to going excuse me I love the attention I know it's a lovely wedding but and you'll always see it then I go watch this year here's a stop normal you just a weirdo all right let me ask you this and I want you answer by way of a cheer how many of you have ever been in charge of a car driving with people you love in that car at some point in your life and have thought yourself all it takes is this and we're all – that's not normal folks how many of you've been in a good mood standing on a tall building in a fool do you know what I might just jump for the sake of it we're all bonkers and I think it's a shame that we don't just free up a bit on I'm trying to start a movement where we all start speaking our minds a bit more and I'm going to help you because I promise you new quotations I've written some things down on these boards here there are genuine things that have been said to me by people I know over the years they're not jokes they weren't trying to be funny they just absolutely deadly serious things they said and I want you to feel free about yourselves once you've heard these my friend Peter is a banker he invited me round to his house in fairly recent years to see his new expresso coffee machine I popped to the toilet while he fired the beast up for the first time from the toilets I heard these noises I ran out the steam would come out of the machine and had taken all of the skin off pizza it was ragams bubbling flesh it was awful I went oh my god me put into a cold tub put into a cold tub for God's sake this is what he replied get ready who punishes individual body parts oh I'd love to have a Shack tonight love I can't some afraid my dicks on the naughty step when my um when my first niece was born Lucy my um my lovely brother-in-law he's from me and to tell me that I had a unique ten minutes that's the birth he didn't need to do that was really sweet of him and I would have to go yes oh my god your sister was amazing he's got beautiful beautiful mace it was surprising her no thanks to me I'm so much for letting me down how did the birth clergy know I know he was emotional because he just seen his child born I still think this is a bit weird now how was the birth itself made how was the birth itself Wow he said correct people say that seeing your children born is incredibly beautiful but to be honest with you to me it I said presumably by its mate you mean my sister's vagina to you oh you've got a lovely niece yeah your sister's funny looks like a mashed up plum crumble when I was the teacher for real I was ahead look here for a bit as I was in charge of a whole year group it was year seven eleven year old children if you're a parent you'll know that eleven year olds and I had a lovely children up just in one group and Nigerian gentleman called a bow very gentle giant when Christmas I went to seat a bow and I said hey table it's Christmas why not take it she grew back of the lessons and do something fun with him and before I go any further God forgive me for this Nigerian accent why'd she thank you I so have you like May through something fun play some games play some music whoever you fancy who's okay I really think about you so when I saw him like you know at a table I was sounds like with the kids this morning he goes our music will be had a lovely time I said what did you do because I shut them a DVD I said I were great what DVD did you show your class of 11 year old children why are you angry they loved it they were so pretend everyone's functions are flawless the person I've met with in recent months who is the most insane of all of them though he's holding down a job was a taxi driver right it was a cockney was a flat him down he was a proper yo you love it you fuckin toilet right he has a record for having said the strangest thing I've ever heard a human being say and his second record is from making me angrier faster than anyone has because I was in a perfectly good mood when I flagged him down and he said one sentence that took me from nought to a hundred miles an hour you tell me if I was right to be angry I tracked him down he wanders when did I do all right Big Bird where to exacerbate straight so already furious then he turned out to be the strangest human being out of a map we're driving along he started listing the conference's the shops we went by there's shop over there Greg so you can get your hammers your letters wheelbarrows your nuts your mulch your Harvey's jackets there's no one bother you read you what heroes oh yeah nipples I thought my god this is insane then he went swear next level because he said something racist about a black guy who went past right now I wasn't expecting it he said this thing and they saw me in his rear view mirror go like all of you would have been absolutely shocked and I thought you vice-versa bastard right then he justified his racism and I couldn't take him seriously as a racist anymore it was amazing he went I want to shoot you with my comments about their black fellow they please don't think I'm a racist no no no no I get on extremely well with my neighbor and he is a chink incredible right it's probably reflects terribly on me that was more angry about the big bird thing right so I'm sitting there gnashing my teeth thinking of how I'm gonna get revenge I got it so awesomely ten minutes later we drove through the scent of London we went past the PI in my shop without financial I went all right here we go he's a lovely time measure this the most delicious pot I've ever had him there I went out right because you you're lovely in fact I wasn't in there the other day and I asked him I actually thought you'd have the recipe so I could make my family one of their delicious pies what did they say he's all they wouldn't give it to me they said it was a family secret of family secrets a shame and then he said it he said singing the strangest sentence I've ever heard in my life it'll take you a while to get your heads around this – just don't worry took me ages just enjoy it there it comes yes a shame is a shame for you because it's not just pie they put in though you know some soy man what was that because it's not just high they put in those I what in pies because yeah I said pies not an ingredient mate do you I said pie is not an ingredient its constituent parts have been brought together he's well you're fucking on about a pause pie I said is it just Jamie all of us shows you're gonna be a bitch shit from now on are they here's their to me I said I'll show you hello everyone I'm Jamie Oliver today I'll be making a lovely lasagna I'll just get the ingredients the fucking lasagna he's gonna balance and it's not upon hey Julian if you get a flat tire on your taxes that I'll change the tire 7 afraid you can't because the tire is part of taxi [Applause] alright I'm gonna help you because about me no I think I said right I said we'll do a roleplay middle right let's do a roleplay this happened in the back of a taxi in a sudden I went right I'm gonna explain it to you I'm a tech shop owner it when I love a cake place I mean it's mono I said you've got a serious nut allergy when ok so he's wrong as you like then I went good morning good morning how can I help you yes I'd like a kind please so much a lot of several gates which cake would you like this is when he went up in my estimation because he genuinely did this he went all of that one listen and this is when I tell from my ice cards I went ah that cake the nuts surprise and they were like oh hang on a minute I can't not know if you've got a nut allergy you see if I ever think goes I said oh never mind I'll check the cake for you nope you're absolutely fine doing this because the only ingredients in it they said I can see nuts on it there I said you can't because I baked this and all I pointed it was cake so put in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon he goes we all know bear Takes not apply understand your pipe is banged up of mate of graving a nice train on one other thing they said what's the other thing I said I'm not telling you a secret [Laughter] and you'd be right to think well that's just one psychopath crack that's just one lunatic cockney taxi driver that doesn't prove that no-one's normal all right I'll take you to the medical profession they're supposed to be normal aren't they I am I had her for some medical examinations last year there's some investigations in hospitals because there was something wrong with my stomach other and what is clearly I love pain I couldn't shift right and so I I went through a period in my life that I now refer to as my lucky dip three-camera nightmare they sent me for a thing called an endoscopy which is a camera that goes down your throats makes you gag is absolutely revolting awful they didn't find anything wrong with me there and they sent me for a colonoscopy which some of you obviously enjoyed that's the camera up the backside now there's nothing funny of course about having a camera pushed up your backside and less like me you grew up in the 1980s when we weren't as enlightened you know we're all very enlightened now and rightly so unfortunately I did grow up in the 1980s so there is a very small part of my brain I'm trying to get rid of the things that anyone putting something up my bum is Abama right so I was giggling I couldn't stop myself I'm ashamed of this by the way and that's probably that part of my brain is what led me to say the most incredible things for a medical professional while he pushed a piece of equipment up my backside I put my hand on his shoulder while the camera was in me and I whispered I wish I'll remember you always and he turns around when you need to grow up is there nothing up my bum nothing so then I have to go for my third camera don't actually look at you when I tell you about this because I didn't know that you can post a calendar in this place because a man man pushed a camera into my penis did you hear me there wasn't an SLR as a specialised did you know you pushed in the tip he dropped it but one each out he smiles at me typing something into my novel I'll never ever get over this and he obviously felt awkward too because he decided to make some small talk I think if you're a doctor you should be better trained in the art of fucking sport or than what is written on this as well a man pushed a camera into my knob he smiled and asked me this everyone's in the same there's only one person I haven't really properly dealt with yet unless the person who started this whole show off my mum she she's the person who called me up normal in the first place and I don't think I've properly dealt with her before I do that I'm going to give you a job later in the show congratulations this your script it's not to write the end so you can relax you got your own microphone so now it needs volunteers so I can deal with my mother properly better to play my parents I instantly think you're my dad congratulations I need someone to play my mum of this the urals fucking ridiculously young I'm thinking you might do it madam with a blue dress would you not that you're not that you could possibly be my mother of course I'll cover you so last year no it's year before last actually I got through this amazing thing I'd see the show called world's most dangerous roads did anyone see that show I went with the hugely overrated balanced comedian Brad Gilbert obviously lots of really good mate of mine and the thing about me and rod is we've both had proper jobs before we did this bullshit so we know that we're lucky to do these things so we were proper excited about going to Nepal I think anyone would be and I think it's a beautiful place and I think anyone in their right mind a normal person would bring their mum up and tell them how excited they were right here's the current phone call I had with her you tell me who's normal you ready hello mum hello love amazing news wasn't I what my going to Nepal to do some filming Oh God well don't go to the toilet outside already where'd don't go to the toilet outside is the first thing she said to me what why there might be one of those fish I'm sorry go I laugh at me but they exist I read about them on the Internet yes you'll forgive me if I don't take your internet research seriously mum last week you told where the diet coke contains monkey stem cells and now I have to worry about a fish doesn't even live in Nepal do i how do you know they don't live in Nepal well I'm guessing that perhaps the Himalayan mountain range puts fish off they might have gone there you think there might be a fish living up a mountain that wants to swim up my penis yes how's it got there as it climbs you to get little fins so they just in case it gets a chance to swim up my Wang oh here we go what do you mean here we go long before we started taking the Mickey after the silly old woman I suppose this is going to turn into a stand-up routine is it No it says I can hear it now you'll never guess what my stupid mom said this time I wouldn't do that to you you did last year until I'm television I was a laughingstock in this town I wasn't worried about you on television that was a terrible mistake they told me they'd bleep it horrified promise me this won't end up on stage I promise I mean a Greg swear it I swear it on Darrin's wife's life [Laughter] this isn't funny and meaning I promise it won't turn into a routine thank you I'll get you that we've got fish to cook you know [Laughter] so what my saying I suppose what I'm saying it's just really hard being a human being it's really hard because we never really know what's going on in other people's minds even the people you're closest to I've already proved an Seaton I could use the guilty faces from your partners you never really know what people are thinking now a few weeks ago I had an awful day where so many I about four rhymes with people and I had a row with a friend of mine and I hate having arguments with people and all of those things occurred because none of us spoke our minds and said this is how it were failing this is what we want to have any given situation so people were second-guessing what was going on as a result everyone was a noise I had a dreadful day they probably had a dreadful day I don't know I hope I went to my news agents and my news agency sort of newsagent excels everything in the world so and I walked into his little shop my paper I saw something singing on the shelf it was a live things alive it was for sale I think was one pound 88 I hadn't seen one for years they were very popular in the eighties these little live things but they're not so much these days and I looked at him as a pretty little thing and I thought you lucky little bastard all you do is you get born even you grow you look pretty other people look after you then you fade away it was simple light or beautiful little life solidness on the battery thing was a bonsai tree small ornamental tree they really moved me so my song is called I wish I was a bonsai tree by Greg Davis and before seeing it you I would like to say two things firstly I'd like to answer a question that's in all of your minds right now the answer is yes this is a small guitar secondly I'd like to say it takes a lot of courage to finish a comedy show with a beautiful ballot honestly so far in the run of gigs I've done all uses have not been as respectful as I would like them to be and I just want you to say I want you to take this seriously it's a beautiful song and if you do that for pisses me off thank you very much I wish I was a bouncer actually Pogo Davis when I saw you was so relaxing alrighty so that's good unless you want chocolate shells it made me feel alive reminded me of simpler times of 1985 5/5 I barely even noticed you because you are so small my life it had not grind you down you had not changed it all in the 80s human even though you're tiny you were a bit like a leafy Tom Cruise you were horticultural Top Gun maverick in a box and you'd never had to worry about a fish swimming up you'll come to shore and free you don't have it would look like a stage sure now wish our bonsai tree [Applause] but yeah the mortgage you could live in a cup you've never had to go with just a shoe you've never had to grow up you've never had to hold down a shitty job tidy up a shitty flat you have no need for Argos Waitzkin Shabak does not get fat never farted on the spaniards fingers well had to explain shit mum now we shower upon thy tree little tiny little tiny trunk little tiny Chinese pop that want you I love the chui wake right [Laughter] I'll look everyone it's a bonsai sorry assume I don't have today that she fucking dude not tied with Lester sorry before you refer them most people in your post it's just my normal penis sure normal your noble up long penis might as well since puns reveal horseback wait great being a concise not as good as you think I know you humans are flawed and all that but you are united by your strangeness rubbish nice nice beautiful look a move down sure it may be difficult sometimes going on in your heads but at least you've got each other it's all for being upon sigh I'm alone but I just say the same oh my god he's right life can be difficult guys sometimes we don't understand each other we don't communicate well but look Alicia not fuck your bonsai trade what did you say sing with me say you're glad you loved ones I train and I want you to sing it to his face face the words for you so what you gonna leave this singing through space you don't want to just for you leave econ people say I'm not a cerebral comedian and I want you to tell us people what you learnt itself in tonight's like gets and they sure not to burn inside spring or at least you're not a comedian whose but page attracts the support side tray

8 thoughts on “Greg Davies Live 2013- The Back Of My Mums Head Comedy Show

  1. He is a funny man….
    But why must video posters abuse the view of a good show by not only spotting out the middle of the screen but also magnifying the damn thing…. makes it hard to view…

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